Will Killing Change Mark Zuckerberg Into "A Real Man?"

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Never leaves the pad without packing a gun Photo: Andrew Feinberg via Flickr

In a pointed foil to chef Dan Barber's praise of Mark Zuckerberg and his new "kill-it-yourself" philosophy on CNN today, Zocalo Public Square is calling bullshit on the bizillionaire's bloody new lifestyle choice. And it happens to be pretty hilarious. While acknowledging the widespread criticism of the Facebook's founder's eco-fakery, writer Yxta Maya Murray points to a even stronger motivation for why Zuckerberg feels the need to put bullets in Bambi.

The hypothesis? This is all just Zuckerberg's attempt to be "A Real Man." Yeah, she's basically saying Mark is making up for the public perception that he's a total lily-liver by opting to off the pigs (and chickens and goats and lobsters).

Or as Murray puts it, "He's not the little thumbsucker that screenwriter Aaron Sorkin said couldn't get into a Harvard finals club in The Social Network! He's not the creepy freako who got shot down by the lawyer played by Rashida Jones! No! His muscles shine as he dashes through the woods after his prey! He's covered in blood! He's roaring at the moon after feasting on the still-beating heart of a boar!"

The (fairly crazy) rant continues by contrasting the pasty faced computer nerd with "a swinging-dickesque Captain Schwarzenegger thug who magically maintains a psychotic level of masculinity while blathering on a phone all day," though the writer understands that if she "had said masculinity profoundly shivved by Jesse Eisenberg, perhaps I'd be hankering to bust a cap in a lobster's ass, too."

"It's hard to be a real person, much less a nonvirtual man, with all of this weird technology - which you helped invent," Murray concludes, suggesting that Zucks is just playing at being poor and that, while he can imitate Viggo Mortensen all he wants in the forest, "The rest of us have to go to Ralph's."

Billionaires set on global domination really can't get a break around here, can they? Zuckerberg caught a lot less flack when he was just giving his money away to New Jersey schools, a path he should probably stick to (we want your money dude, we only cared about your ethics when it made a good movie). And if he must continue his whole "common person concerned with the masses" facade, he could always just fake being vegan, like Steve Jobs.

Zuckerbergs Blood Lust [Zocalo Public Square]