Now for a sad tale of false fast-food promises dashing the hopes of a small town that wanted nothing more than its fair share of Doritos tacos and morning soda. The 6,080 citizens of isolated Bethel, Alaska, were smacking their lips in anticipation of glorious fourth meals, "stuft" burritos, and enchiritos when flyers announcing the July 4 opening of a Taco Bell were plastered all around town. But it turned out the flyers were really just a snow job supreme, one that directed people to call some poor unsuspecting guy who finally asked his local radio station to debunk the rumor, resulting in the heartbreaking announcement: "Bethel is NOT getting a Taco Bell." Oh, the mendacity!
Although Bethel cannot be reached by car, it does have a Subway, but residents were quite crestfallen to hear that their fast-food options would not be doubling. One Anchorage paper called the hoax "evil." The town's Chamber of Commerce director, who probably should have known whether the brand was arriving or not, tells the L.A. Times, "We got excited." You need say no more, Bonnie Bradbury, we feel your pain.
Denied this new source of employment, and worse, a taste of Taco Bell's regionally specific "Southwest steak bowls," the people of Bethel are now facing Independence Day free of trust, excitement, and MexiMelts, just because of the actions of some wicked little Grinch of the Last Frontier.
But maybe it's not too late. We propose initiating a Kickstarter movement to fly Bethel a major load of Doritos-shell tacos before the Fourth of July. After all, it's what Paul Revere would have wanted (or so famous Alaskan Sarah Palin tells us).