Feeling nervous about tonight's election returns? Worried that your guy won't win, or worse, this whole sycophantic circus will continue a few more days over contested results and charges of voter intimidation? Well, just in case the last eternal year of campaigning hasn't felt whorish enough, today our bars and restaurants are getting into the act, jockeying for your business by offering to take the edge off of the day with food and drink specials, while playing the action on their big old TV sets. We whittled down your options to the ones that give you a true deal, just to help all you undecided drinkers proceed with a little less anxiety tonight.
CaĆ±a Rum Bar: Our eyes tend to glaze over bi-partisan election specials. Everyone must choose a side in the coming election war!! To that end, bartender Alan Katz, already an American hero for his fair-and-balanced cocktails, will be broadcasting the election brouhaha over NPR tonight and if Obama wins, will supply every guest with "Free Healthcare" daiquiris. 714 W. Olympic Blvd. Downtown; 213-745-7090.
Oldfield's: The Culver City bar is offering everyone with an "I Voted" sticker a free Glen Grant scotch cocktails today and is also offering happy hour until 8:00 P.M. 10899 Venice Blvd. Culver City; 310-842-8066.
Burger Lounge: It doesn't get much more Patriotic than burgers and beers, our fellow Americans, and all locations of this restaurant are offering a free "half-and-half combo" of onion rings and fries with any purchase, just as long as you have your "I Voted" sticker. 8539 W Sunset Blvd. West Hollywood & 281 S Beverly Dr. Beverly Hills.
Tavern: Having famously played host to our Commander-in-Chief last year, Suzanne Goin's Brentwood restaurant is showing the election return on its flat-screens. Anyone wearing their "I Voted" sticker gets happy hour pricing from 3:00 P.M. to closing, including a cocktail special and a $12 combo featuring Blue Sliders (with Niman Ranch beef and blue cheese) and Red Sliders ("pork, pork, pork" with manchego), with fries. Not surprisingly, all the action is going down in its "Blue Room." 11648 San Vicente Blvd. 310-806-6464.
Cole's: A true American original that's no stranger to arguing with its opposition, Cole's will help boost the economy with $5 half-dips and french fries, $5 well drinks, $8 specialty cocktails, and $3 Schlitz throughout the evening. 118 E 6th St. Downtown; 213-622-4090.
Pitfire Pizza Westwood: From 5:00 to 10:00 P.M., Temecula's Black Market Brewing Co.** will be in the house, serving $2 pours of their special releases, with reps from the brewery on-hand to display the content of their characters. 2018 Westwood Blvd. Westwood; 310-481-9860.
Bodega: Both the Pasadena and Santa Monica locations of the wine bar will offer half off of any bottle of red and white in stock for anybody wearing their "I Voted" sticker. If you happen to be "undecided," losing another braincell should probably be your last concern, but the bar's still got you covered with a wine sampler from the dessert menu for a discounted price. 260 E. Colorado Blvd. Pasadena; 626-793-4300 & 814 Broadway Santa Monica; 310-394-3504.
Rock & Reilly's: The raucous Irish bar is showing the election returns on 17 flat-screen TVs just in case you're not sick of all the coverage yet. The bar will also offer $6 cocktails all day and night, including Mittmosas and vodka on the Baracks. 8911 West Sunset Blvd. West Hollywood; 310-360-1400.
Napa Valley Grille: The restaurant plans a huge to-do tonight, with its happy hour offered from 3:00 P.M. to 9:00 P.M., when the venue will be closed for some bureaucratic bullshit city inspection. Chef Taylor Boudreaux will also offer bar bites from $4 to $7 bucks, while the talking heads yap on the bar and patio's big screens. 1100 Glendon Ave. Westwood; 310-824-3322.
** We earlier reported that Golden Road Brewing would be in the house tonight, as relayed to us by Pitfire's PR reps. We apologize for the mistake.